Dear Quinn, Starting school

 

Dear Quinn,

I wonder where the years have gone

as I tuck you up snug in bed.

We hug and say noche mi amor

and I kiss you on your little head.

Tomorrow's a big day,

it's off to school for you.

With lots of friends to make

and a world of things to do.

Your days will be filled with learning

not just the two of us anymore.

You are so excited and happy

and I'm sure that you will soar.

Be kind, be happy

the teachers will help you with the rest.

Have fun, take care

and Jed says remember yellow house is the best.

The day is upon us

Oh Quinn, how time has flown.

I'm so very proud of you

and all the ways in which you've grown.

As I watch you march through those gates

I wonder if I'll get a backward glance.

Or whether you'll be too quick and eager

and I won't stand a chance.

So, I'll hug you one more time

and then wave you on your way.

Eager to hear all about your news

you want to tell at the end of the day. 

I hope you have a lovely time

with lots of fun and play.

And I'll be there waiting when you're done,

with a kiss at the end of the day. 

Love always,

Mummy x

Dear Jed, You're seven

 

Dear Jed,

I can't believe you are 7 sweetheart, where have the years gone! Look how much you've changed. 

Since the pandemic started, I feel like you have grown up so much. I look back on the last year and you've become so much more interested in the world and the people around you.

You often ask me about the work I do and we talk about the amazing work the scientists have achieved getting the vaccine out. 

You've been very considerate and matter of fact about Granny's chemo, and I love seeing the way your mind works. 

You are police mad, I mean, police mad!! I hope you liked your police motorbike cake. You dress in police colours nearly always. You make sure you are in police gear, even if we are just popping out to walk Archer. You have got the sirens noise down to perfection, and you are always trying to arrest Quinn (even if he doesn't want you to). You are practically counting down the years until you can join the police young cadets.

In your own words, we have good days and bad days. We are so similar that we are often at logger heads, and you sure do know how to push my buttons when it comes to being less than kind/winding Quinn up, and due to my own issues I find it harder to stay patient than I would like...but, I hope you know just how much you are loved, even when I'm cross. 

You have recently started reading for pleasure, a series about a half dog, half man who is a police officer, of course...and it makes my heart so happy to see you reading to yourself at bedtime or coming home to see you waving at me from the office window, because you've been sat on the sofa in there reading on your own. Getting excited when you've finished one book and asking I can order the next in the series. I love it!

7 years ago you turned me into a Mummy and I will forever be grateful.

You have my heart, sweetheart. Now and always.

Love always,

Mummy x

Dear Jed, turning six

 Dear Jed,

I wonder about each of these letters I write. How you will read them in the future, what you'll think...but this one even more so...because you've just celebrated your 6th birthday, when the world is in the middle of the Corona virus pandemic.

I know you found today strange, that we couldn't have a big family party like we normally do. That you haven't been able to get together with all your friends either. It's a strange enough time to be an adult, let alone a child. Having to keep our distance from people we love or give people even more space on the street. Not being able to hug anyone outside of our household, and you know we love a hug! It's bizarre sweetheart, there's no other way to describe it. You are often saying "make sure you are 2m apart" or "when the Corona virus is over..." We've even made a little wish jar with things we'd like to do when we can.

You often ask me whether the scientists are working on a vaccine or when I think it'll be over. Truth is, we have no idea at this point when life will get back to the normal we once knew, it it ever will. In some ways, I hope it stays changed. People have used their cars less, wasted less meaning the environment has had a bit of a breather. People have come together as communities, gathered on their doorsteps and celebrated the NHS. Looked out for each other and meant it when they've asked "you ok?" Recent visits, (albeit in the garden and still keeping our distances) have meant so much more. That said, I also can't wait to be able to just go round someone's house and actually go indoors and share a meal at the same table as each other. Something that was perfectly normal 3 months ago and now seems completely alien. 

I feel like you are living through a bit of history sweetheart. Not only is the pandemic around us, but there's a Black Lives Matter movement that it, thankfully, getting a lot of press at the moment. Now, when you are older and you read this, I hope you look back and think that was when things finally changed. That the scenes of brutality and the heart-breaking stories that we've been seeing are just that, a thing of history, gut wrenching images to be studied and learnt from but no longer lived through. That the voices saying "enough is enough" broke through and change happened. It's something we talk about a lot at home. It is something we will continue to talk about a lot. Your current stance, as a police obsessed six year old is that "those police officers who just people by the colours they are should be locked up for 15 years and I will lock them up when I am a police officer." You also like saying "no one chooses whether they are peach (you never call us white despite knowing the term) or black. They just are peach or black. What difference does it make." We have to continue to question what we hear, what we see, everything. We have to be an ally. 

2020 is turning out to be one hell of a year, and one I doubt will be forgotten any time soon.

That said, you've just turned 6 and at bedtime when looking at photos of how you've changed you asked me if I miss the days when you were young. You were confused when I said "yes and no." In some ways the days when you hugged me every time you left the house and needed/wanted me for everything were adorably sweet, but like I said I love how inquisitive you are now, how clever and funny. How you want to know what's going on ALL the time. The in-depth conversations we have now. You are a deep little thinker and I promise every stage is precious. I say that with love in my heart, despite us often being at logger heads with each other. We are just too similar. My apologies in advance for that.

Love always,

Mummy x

Dear Boys, The Deafening Silence

Dear boys,

Today was your first afternoon at preschool Quinn, you had one morning last week, but I was rushing around so wasn't at home for any of the time...but today, today I'm home. It's only a couple of hours between getting home and having to leave again to get Jed but still, it feels so surreal.

I've done some household jobs and made a few phone calls and emails I had to do, and may try and fit some writing in, but still your absence is everywhere.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love a few minutes of peace to myself, and it's fantastic how well you've been running into preschool and just saying "bye mummy, see you later", but there is something so deafening about the silence of the house right now. Even the dogs are quiet and not bickering.

No chatting, no laughter, no shouting. No barking (from the dogs, not you two, although I wouldn't put it past either of you). 

No toys clanking around, no pretend sirens being played, no requests for snacks.

Just utter silence. 

With only the wind rattling outside, the ticking of the clock and the slow hum of the fridge to break it.

It feels momentous in a way that I didnt expect. 

Although I am sure I will all too quickly become accustomed to the silence, for a few hours a week at least, I just wanted to say that right now, it's strange and you are both missed.

Love you always,

Mummy x

Dear Quinn, three years

Three years of awesome hugs.

Three years of determined fierceness. 

Three years of gorgeous, cheeky smiles.

Three years of twinkly little eyes (and winking since you've been able).

Three years of worrying I'm not cut out to parent two.

Three years of hoping beyond hope that I am.

Three years of tractors, tractors and more tractors.

Three years of playing dress up at the drop of a hat.

Three years of easy going nature.

Three years of chaotic fun.

Three years of being a mum of two boys.

Three years of being blessed.

Three years of Quinn.

Happy birthday, mi amor. 

Dear Quinn, I see you

Dear Quinn,

As we move into December and get closer to your birthday..."just before Santa comes" as you like to tell me, I just wanted to write to you. There have been countless times I've thought ooh I'll write a letter to the boys about this or that and now I realise nearly a whole year has gone by without me doing just that. So, I thought why not now, even if it's not perfect, it's still here for you to read one day, and that's what I care about. Capturing a small snapshot of our lives.

Time has such a way of running away from us. It's utter madness to think that you've been in our lives for almost three years. They have gone by in the blink of an eye, and I so often worry that in years to come I will look back and really mourn just how quickly they did go...and how a lot of the time I didn't exactly feel present in the moment. I'm working on that though, for both you boys, and for me, I promise.

With being the youngest and having to follow in Jed's wake a lot of the time, between running to and from school runs, swimming lessons, appointments etc, I mean I even timed toilet training you around when we'd be at home for half term, I worry sometimes about how you feel you fit into it all. You are so easy going that you just get on with everything, usually with a huge smile on your face and I just wanted to let you know, I see you, sweetheart...

I see you with your gorgeously cheeky little face and grin that will get you in (and out of) trouble in the future no doubt.

I see how you are growing so tall. You are almost as tall as Jed already. He loves saying to people "he's so tall and he's only two".

I see you being interested in so many things, from puzzles, to cars, to dressing up, to books. 

I see you stopping to stroke and fuss every cat or dog you see, "can me say hello mummy?". You get that from me sweetheart.

I hear you when you chat and chat away. Your language is so good and I love hearing you not just speak to us, but using little sayings and expressions too.

I hear you when you call Archer a cutie pie. 

I hear you every time you say "I love you Mummy" and how you smile when I say it back. You say it to me all the time, and I hope you know how those four words light up my heart. Every. Single. Time. I find it adorable that when I ask you what that means, you put your shoulders all the way up to your ears and say "I don't know" and then give me the biggest cheeky grin. 

I hear you when you are making up games in the back of the car with Jed "Jed you look for black cars, mummy look for green cars, daddy look for blue cars and I'll look for red cars". You have an uncanny knack of picking a colour that we then see lots of. 

I hear you when you are making up song after song, about potatoes (yes, potatoes) or fire trucks or trains, anything goes. I hear you singing along to We Belong Together from Toy Story, the Woody song you call it. Apparently, they say a child who sings is a happy child, so I hope that's true. I love hearing Daddy often say "He's a happy little guy isn't he"

I hear you when you reply to me at night saying "noche mi amor", I love that it sounds more like "Noche meee amoort" and get out of bed to give me one last hug or kiss.

I see you being so sweet and generous.

I see you being forgiving after Jed has maybe not been the kindest, yet your big heart welcomes him back instantly.

I see you try and comfort people when you think they are sad.

I see you, sweetheart, and everything that goes with this adorably fun, sweet age that you are.

I am so proud of you. Daddy and I both are...and I hope you know that and know just how much you are loved, and how we wouldn't be the same as a family without you.

I love you sweetheart.

Love always,

Mummy x

Dear Quinn: Turning Two

Dear Quinn,

Last week you turned two…and honestly, I just can’t believe it! I have no idea, none, of where the time has gone. It feels like only five minutes ago that we brought you home. I was saying the other day, I think it is going to take me years to get used to the fact that your birthday is only two days before Christmas, it’s still a bit surreal.

We had family come round, which was lovely… and you loved opening presents, not the cards so much ;o) I’d sat down with you beforehand and showed you a number of cake ideas on Pinterest because Jed had said you’d have to have a tractor cake. You kept pointing at the same one, so I did my best to make you one as similar as I could. You kept saying Tractor and Signing Cake, so I think I did ok.

You really made me giggle, because when we brought it out for you to blow out the candles, as soon as you had (with a little help) and Daddy moved to take the cake away to be cut, you grabbed the iced 2, which was flat to the cake, straight off it in your little fist and shoved it in your mouth.

Jed is always joking about how you are already at the number 3 on the height chart when you are only 2…and he’s not wrong, you are really tall at the moment sweetheart, people never used to believe you were only 1. Look how much you have grown in a year.

You have got such character, you are forever making us all laugh….and your little belly laugh when Jed makes you laugh is one of the best sounds. 

You are strong willed and determined. You are cheeky and bright eyed.

You love nothing more than taking Saxon for a walk. You never need any encouragement and always go and grab your wellies and a hat at the mere mention of a walk. You are a great collector… months ago it used to be acorns,
(a-torn you used to say) and you’d fill your pockets and mine, with them, and should you ever drop one you’d somehow sense it straight away and go back for it. Now though, it’s sticks. Sometimes they are bigger than you are, but you carry them anyway. Jed likes to say how good you are at finding them and you’ll carry them the whole way, or sometimes you’ll swap them out for another one…and then when we get home you put them in the front garden. It’s these little things that I just don’t want to forget, as they are as much a part of your little world as you having grey eyes.

You hair is starting to curl more now, I think it may end up like Jed’s, time will tell, I suppose.

Things you love:

*Tractors (well any vehicle actually), we can be in the car and I’ll say to you “should we look for tractors” and you’ll reply with a sweet “yeah”, even if I think you aren't actually listening, you still hear me and answer.

*Paw patrol

*Books, you love picking a book for us to read together

*Colouring (although normally only when Jed is)

*Cake

*ice lollies (you help yourself to them out of the freezer now, and have recently worked out how to open them) – you always get Jed one too which is sweet.

We always joke you can sense someone eating from a mile away, and you’ll run, elbows pumping, to get there and ask for it.

You are really quite coordinated already, and kick and throw the ball when Jed and Daddy are playing with one of the footballs. You talk more and more too, although not sentences yet, but I doubt it’ll be long.

You are incredibly sweet and will often just run up and cuddle Jed, especially if you see that he’s sad.

When you kiss people you really pucker up, it’s very cute and funny.

You like to sleep with books. Often you read them first, but just as often you just want to lie on them, and get upset when they aren’t there. Highway rat seems to be a favourite for that at the moment. You are very good at bedtime, and will often just lie down while we are reading to you and Jed. Or you’ll say “mama” and then wave at me, just before you nod off… or, you’ll stand up out of nowhere, pucker up and then once you’ve had another goodnight kiss, you’ll lie back down and fall asleep. It’s all so sweet.

You and Jed can fight like cats and dogs, over the same toy, the same spot on the sofa you name it…and because there’s barely a heads height between you, you nearly always both end up on the floor. But, you can also be so incredibly sweet together, running around chasing each other, or both with police hats on and shouting siren noises… or both of you climbing on Daddy’s back shouting “oorse (horse)”. This morning I heard Jed say to you “Quinn, you’ll be my best brother all your life” ;o)

You’ve made our little family complete sweetheart and I will forever be grateful to be your Mama.

Love always,

Mummy x