Dear Boys (and me, as this one is also for me),
2019 has rolled in, every year I can never quite believe when another year has come and gone…and that has only gotten worse since having you both. As you change and grow so much all the time. I know that’s obvious, and one of those annoying things adults say, but it’s also so true and when you look back it’s breath-taking. Jed you were saying to me this morning "I'm 5 this year mummy"... madness!
2018 has been a hard year in many ways, with both Granny and Nanny’s Grandad (as you call him) being diagnosed with cancer. Now while you aren’t aware of the full meaning of that term, you have known that they have both been poorly and had to have operations. Grandad is having immunotherapy, just to be on the safe side, Granny had chemo for the same reason. It took a lot out of her, and Jed you often asked how she was, as the treatment lasted months. But finally, in November she got the all clear, which is amazing!
2018 is also the year when I finally admitted how hard things had become and in January I tried some counselling sessions, which in the group format sadly didn’t really work for me, and then it wasn’t until November, when I finally went back and they put me on anti-depressants. Now that in itself was a huge thing for me, even a low dose as it is, the word sadly still has such a stigma attached to it. Even writing it down in black and white for you to read one day feels scary…but I’m pushing against that, because even knowing this is NOT how it works, I would even say to myself how could I be depressed, I have a lovely family; two healthy, happy boys, an amazing husband, a roof over my head, food always in the fridge etc… how could I be depressed. But it doesn’t work like that boys, and I want you to know that. I want you to always feel like you can talk to us. We will listen and try and talk to each other too. It is ok to not be ok… in fact it’s pretty damn normal. So, talk ok. Don’t let yourselves get lost in your own heads, because it is all too easy to do.
I’ve had some really bad days when all I feel like I do is get irritated and shouty, and I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart sorry. I try my best to explain it to you when I’m like that, not that it’s an excuse, but I try and explain that I’m just not myself all the time at the moment. I only pray that when you think of me, you won’t think of me in the way I do, and you’ll remember the fun times more. Because there are more of those. So many more.
I looked through all my photos from the year the other day, yes it took a while ;o) I do like taking photos, which I know you’ll know by the time you read this…but I was determined to remember all the good things about 2018 too. I don’t mean I want to gloss over the tough times and pretend they didn’t happen. I don’t. Because they did. But I like to be a glass half full kind of girl…and it is so easy to forget some of the lovely every day moments when you are not feeling like you are in the best frame of mind...So, I thought I’d put down some of the ways in which 2018 was lovely, both personally and as a family…
January:
I'm always grateful to get to see in another year as a family. I went to a great book launch event in London, with my Books Friends (Lila, Kirsty and Brittany... I have loved that Whatsapp group so much this year!) which I always love. I also remember I picked up a load of dress up items which you were very excited about. Check out your pirate king...Quinn I picked this photo of you, because of your cute smiley face and adorable dungarees.
Your Dad suggested I start to go out and write, which I did most weekends, which was great and I think really helped. It was the first month I'd written properly, managing 4.9k words, which I was really happy about. We had some lovely zoo trips, thanks to our pass, but my favourite thing of the month was our little holiday away. We went to Walton-on-the-naze with Lila, the Christoforou-Hazelwoods and the Smiths and it was fantastic. We were so lucky with the weather, just check out those blue skies...and you were even running around in shorts...in Feb!!! Our place was so close to the beach, and I FOUND SEA GLASS! Something I've always wanted to find, and even turned it into some jewellery for me and Lorna, which is cool. I loved seeing you both with the other children...and it's definitely a holiday I hope we can all do again some time.
March:
We had even more snow...just look at us braving the elements with Saxon. You loved it Jed. Quinn, not so much, but you weren't as steady on your feet in it. Jed you made a proper snowman with Daddy in the garden and you were so proud!
I had another good writing month.
I got to have a lovely afternoon tea out for Granny for Mother's day, which was very nice.
Jed, as shown here you had your very first cinema trip to see Peter Rabbit with your cousins... you seemed to like it, although if I hadn't been quite so prepared with snacks and you hadn't got to change seats so often with your cousins I think you wouldn't have been as impressed ;o)
We had even more snow...just look at us braving the elements with Saxon. You loved it Jed. Quinn, not so much, but you weren't as steady on your feet in it. Jed you made a proper snowman with Daddy in the garden and you were so proud!
I had another good writing month.
I got to have a lovely afternoon tea out for Granny for Mother's day, which was very nice.
Jed, as shown here you had your very first cinema trip to see Peter Rabbit with your cousins... you seemed to like it, although if I hadn't been quite so prepared with snacks and you hadn't got to change seats so often with your cousins I think you wouldn't have been as impressed ;o)
April:
I took part in Camp Nanowrimo, and set myself a target of 10k, more than double what I'd managed in other months and I ended up writing over 15k words. I was so proud of that (I may have even bought myself a cute opal ring as a treat to celebrate) ;o)
We had our yearly Easter Egg hunt, which was great and I'm so pleased we didn't let the rain stop us!
We had more lovely cousin zoo trips. I love seeing you both run around with your cousins. I always wished I'd been able to see more of mine growing up, so I love that you get to see yours as often as you do.
I went to London for a bookish day out at YAShot, which is a great event, if you like that kind of thing, which you know I do (or I'm sure you will).
We got to play in the garden a lot which was great, especially when Daddy got back in time to play too.
Daddy and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary with a lovely meal out as well, no idea where the time is going.
Quinn this photo of you sleeping on me I love, look at your adorable face, and as you no longer nap on me, it's lovely to have these images as reminders.
I took part in Camp Nanowrimo, and set myself a target of 10k, more than double what I'd managed in other months and I ended up writing over 15k words. I was so proud of that (I may have even bought myself a cute opal ring as a treat to celebrate) ;o)
We had our yearly Easter Egg hunt, which was great and I'm so pleased we didn't let the rain stop us!
We had more lovely cousin zoo trips. I love seeing you both run around with your cousins. I always wished I'd been able to see more of mine growing up, so I love that you get to see yours as often as you do.
I went to London for a bookish day out at YAShot, which is a great event, if you like that kind of thing, which you know I do (or I'm sure you will).
We got to play in the garden a lot which was great, especially when Daddy got back in time to play too.
Daddy and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary with a lovely meal out as well, no idea where the time is going.
Quinn this photo of you sleeping on me I love, look at your adorable face, and as you no longer nap on me, it's lovely to have these images as reminders.
May:
Was a lovely month weather wise, or at least I assume it was looking at the photos, which were filled with park days, painting outside, fun walks, more picnics outside, zoo days and a trip to Easton Farm Park, where I took one of my all time favourite photos of you both...the one below of you and I Jed is priceless too. I wrote more than other months again, and we ended the month with a lovely family meal out for my birthday. We took the below group photo just before we headed out. No idea what we were laughing at, but I love it, blurry and all.
June:
We were in full swing with our summery mood, with more zoo days, loads of paddling pool fun. Jed you and I went to the theatre for the first time, which you really liked. You had a great birthday, with soft play on the day, this was us at the top of the slide...and then a family party at the weekend. You'd been asking for a fire engine cake for ages, having never made a novelty cake before I was a little nervous, but I was really pleased with how it turned out, and you seemed thrilled with it, which made it all worth it (even staying up til midnight to put the ladder, hose and axe on - which had been your specific requirements by the way) ;o) It took a lot to get the icing to be red, when you went to bed it was at best pink, and I loved you so much for saying "it's ok mummy a fire engine can be pink too", but thankfully it developed during the time it took us to do the bedtime routine.
I also went to London to take part in the Processions march to mark 100 years of votes for women. It was an AMAZING atmosphere...Green, White and Violet everywhere. I really can't remember how old I was when Granny told me about the Suffragettes and how important it is to vote, so to have been part of that was very memorable.
We were in full swing with our summery mood, with more zoo days, loads of paddling pool fun. Jed you and I went to the theatre for the first time, which you really liked. You had a great birthday, with soft play on the day, this was us at the top of the slide...and then a family party at the weekend. You'd been asking for a fire engine cake for ages, having never made a novelty cake before I was a little nervous, but I was really pleased with how it turned out, and you seemed thrilled with it, which made it all worth it (even staying up til midnight to put the ladder, hose and axe on - which had been your specific requirements by the way) ;o) It took a lot to get the icing to be red, when you went to bed it was at best pink, and I loved you so much for saying "it's ok mummy a fire engine can be pink too", but thankfully it developed during the time it took us to do the bedtime routine.
I also went to London to take part in the Processions march to mark 100 years of votes for women. It was an AMAZING atmosphere...Green, White and Violet everywhere. I really can't remember how old I was when Granny told me about the Suffragettes and how important it is to vote, so to have been part of that was very memorable.
July:
More zoo days (there's a bit of a theme here for our summer) and more bookish events, with going to London for YALC, which is a fantastic book event filled weekend, again with my Books friends.
July also saw the arrival of Electra, so pleased for Rach, Ali and Max..and she is super cute. Jed when you met her for the first time you said "she is so soft and brand new" love that!
Jed, you, Grandad and I took your first trip to London, to see Uncle Chris and Auntie Lila. You loved the transport museum and going on the tube and I think Teddy liked it too.
The other photo was just taken in Diss, I just loved looking down and seeing that you were holding hands in the pushchair. Moments like that are too much for my heart.
More zoo days (there's a bit of a theme here for our summer) and more bookish events, with going to London for YALC, which is a fantastic book event filled weekend, again with my Books friends.
July also saw the arrival of Electra, so pleased for Rach, Ali and Max..and she is super cute. Jed when you met her for the first time you said "she is so soft and brand new" love that!
Jed, you, Grandad and I took your first trip to London, to see Uncle Chris and Auntie Lila. You loved the transport museum and going on the tube and I think Teddy liked it too.
The other photo was just taken in Diss, I just loved looking down and seeing that you were holding hands in the pushchair. Moments like that are too much for my heart.
August:
Jed you left preschool, which just felt epic, and to think you would be starting School next month, was just so scary, if I'm honest...so I tried not to think about it over August ;o)
We had our first family holiday abroad. Jed you loved that you got to stay in a hotel the night before, and Quinn when you were both running up and down the corridors i'd say you liked it too. You got to go on a plane for the first time, although Quinn i'm not sure you even knew, as you fell asleep quite soon after we boarded, both times... thank goodness...as turns out having an 18m old on your lap for the whole flight isn't that easy when they are trying to get free and undo the seatbelt the whole time...So sleeping was lovely!
Our holiday was perfect! We shared a villa with Granny, Grandad and Lila and Uncle Chris, Aunt Olivia and Thalia came round all the time so we got to see everyone every day which was great. I loved even just the simple things of all being able to eat together and seeing you three little ones running around together. Jed you loved the pool and you even took some great underwater photos yourself. It was a fantastic, sunny, family filled, first holiday abroad. I couldn’t have asked for more. I feel like you both got to try so many new things on this holiday and it was a great experience. I also got to write with a view!
We had our first family holiday abroad. Jed you loved that you got to stay in a hotel the night before, and Quinn when you were both running up and down the corridors i'd say you liked it too. You got to go on a plane for the first time, although Quinn i'm not sure you even knew, as you fell asleep quite soon after we boarded, both times... thank goodness...as turns out having an 18m old on your lap for the whole flight isn't that easy when they are trying to get free and undo the seatbelt the whole time...So sleeping was lovely!
Our holiday was perfect! We shared a villa with Granny, Grandad and Lila and Uncle Chris, Aunt Olivia and Thalia came round all the time so we got to see everyone every day which was great. I loved even just the simple things of all being able to eat together and seeing you three little ones running around together. Jed you loved the pool and you even took some great underwater photos yourself. It was a fantastic, sunny, family filled, first holiday abroad. I couldn’t have asked for more. I feel like you both got to try so many new things on this holiday and it was a great experience. I also got to write with a view!
September:
Jed you started school. It went better that I thought it would in one respect, in that you weren’t ever upset to go, but it was so hard in another, as your behaviour was very un-Jed like (which was really tough, I'm not going to lie), and it took you a long time to settle into the routine and a few of the teachers said you were really bright and just needed to get to grips with the structure. I have loved seeing how interested you are in learning letters and wanting to write letters to people all the time.
Daddy built me a writing den in the garden, and you boys helped a lot, it's amazing!
Anne had her 70th, look how dapper you both look.
The start of autumn meant lots of lovely walks and acorn hunting daily. Fun days in the park with Lila and the Christoforou-Hazelwoods, feeding ducks and Gogo Hare Hunting. More park days and countless puddles to jump in. A perfect start to Autumn.
Daddy built me a writing den in the garden, and you boys helped a lot, it's amazing!
Anne had her 70th, look how dapper you both look.
The start of autumn meant lots of lovely walks and acorn hunting daily. Fun days in the park with Lila and the Christoforou-Hazelwoods, feeding ducks and Gogo Hare Hunting. More park days and countless puddles to jump in. A perfect start to Autumn.
October:
October came and went in a blur really, it was a lovely fun packed month. Quinn, you and I enjoyed some great days at the zoo together, as well as times when the three of us went...as seen by this "Charge" photo. Park evenings with Daddy after work, are just the best, you were always both so excited when this happened. We also had a lovely trip to the sea life centre and a chilly but beautiful walk on the beach.
Jed, you and I went on the train to London for your first sleepover at Lila's, which you really asked for and loved. I think you liked the bus ride the most though, :o)
I was lucky enough to go to Prague with the Books gang, it was a lovely break and I adored Prague, it was beautiful. You boys should visit sometime, I really want to go back some time with Daddy too.
October also saw the arrival of Brodie, I am so pleased for Kim, Neil and Logan, completing their lovely little family.
October came and went in a blur really, it was a lovely fun packed month. Quinn, you and I enjoyed some great days at the zoo together, as well as times when the three of us went...as seen by this "Charge" photo. Park evenings with Daddy after work, are just the best, you were always both so excited when this happened. We also had a lovely trip to the sea life centre and a chilly but beautiful walk on the beach.
Jed, you and I went on the train to London for your first sleepover at Lila's, which you really asked for and loved. I think you liked the bus ride the most though, :o)
I was lucky enough to go to Prague with the Books gang, it was a lovely break and I adored Prague, it was beautiful. You boys should visit sometime, I really want to go back some time with Daddy too.
October also saw the arrival of Brodie, I am so pleased for Kim, Neil and Logan, completing their lovely little family.
November:
November was a really good month. Writing wise, I took part in NanoWrimo, I set myself a target of 20k words and managed over 27k. It felt like a HUGE achievement, but also because I made myself write each and every day.
November was great for you too Jed, after a lot of work from the school and from you, you achieved Star of the Week… I was beaming with pride watching you get that certificate sweetheart, because I know how hard you worked to turn it around. You even got the Headteacher award for being really helpful too. We went out with Granny to get cake to celebrate her all-clear and your Star of the Week. More beautiful autumnal walks, look at the two of you.
We had a nice evening watching the fireworks too, with Quinn you falling asleep about a minute after they started. Nothing like a nice cuddle from Daddy to make you feel completely safe to fall asleep while fireworks are going off around you!
November was great for you too Jed, after a lot of work from the school and from you, you achieved Star of the Week… I was beaming with pride watching you get that certificate sweetheart, because I know how hard you worked to turn it around. You even got the Headteacher award for being really helpful too. We went out with Granny to get cake to celebrate her all-clear and your Star of the Week. More beautiful autumnal walks, look at the two of you.
We had a nice evening watching the fireworks too, with Quinn you falling asleep about a minute after they started. Nothing like a nice cuddle from Daddy to make you feel completely safe to fall asleep while fireworks are going off around you!
December:
December has been a lovely month, although a tough one (mentally for me), but it's been filled with lovely occasions.
Jed you completed your stage of swimming, you are super excited about getting an orange hat in the next class. You had your first school disco, your first school play (you were so good at remembering all the words to all the songs) - I almost cried when I saw you, it was such a sweet, fun play. On another day I got to come into the school for a few hours and have a craft afternoon to make lovely Christmas decs with you, which was so much fun.
Carly got a puppy called Rocky... he is adorable, I love him already and I've only met him once ;o) you wait until you see his awesome ears! Don't worry I've already said we'll pup-sit for her if she ever needs one.
Quinn turned two! TWO! It seems insane. You had a great time with family round and loved opening presents...and then even more only two days later. Still feel bad about that for you.
We had family over to us for Christmas and Boxing Day lunch this year and I for one loved it, Daddy did a great job with the food, which let's be honest, we knew he would!
Lila stayed with us and we had a nice trip to the sea life centre and visiting where Daddy and I got engaged, I'd been hoping for a photo of all of us, but you were both asleep in the car by the time we got there ;o)
New Years Eve, is Saxon's birthday, 12 this year, how is that possible! I take a photo of our little clan every year and I love seeing how we've all changed and grown...and I love that you all put up with my antics to do so.
Jed you completed your stage of swimming, you are super excited about getting an orange hat in the next class. You had your first school disco, your first school play (you were so good at remembering all the words to all the songs) - I almost cried when I saw you, it was such a sweet, fun play. On another day I got to come into the school for a few hours and have a craft afternoon to make lovely Christmas decs with you, which was so much fun.
Carly got a puppy called Rocky... he is adorable, I love him already and I've only met him once ;o) you wait until you see his awesome ears! Don't worry I've already said we'll pup-sit for her if she ever needs one.
Quinn turned two! TWO! It seems insane. You had a great time with family round and loved opening presents...and then even more only two days later. Still feel bad about that for you.
We had family over to us for Christmas and Boxing Day lunch this year and I for one loved it, Daddy did a great job with the food, which let's be honest, we knew he would!
Lila stayed with us and we had a nice trip to the sea life centre and visiting where Daddy and I got engaged, I'd been hoping for a photo of all of us, but you were both asleep in the car by the time we got there ;o)
New Years Eve, is Saxon's birthday, 12 this year, how is that possible! I take a photo of our little clan every year and I love seeing how we've all changed and grown...and I love that you all put up with my antics to do so.
Highlights of the year... I wrote almost 78k words!!! All just made up crap (as Carly lovingly calls it, which I adore) out of my head... I think that's so awesome. I really hope one day I can make something of it, and you’ll have some stories to read of my own. I've been brave and let Lila and Mum read the stories I'm working on too, which is a big deal and they've been so lovely and supportive about them...and I have loved writing on another project with Chris. Really excited to see what happens with that.
I have had fantastic support from some truly lovely friends, for which I will always be grateful...and I want you to know I'm here for you too x
You boys have grown so much and learnt so many things over the last year, and I am truly blessed to be able to bear witness to that and be a part of it. Thank you!
Your Dad and I have the kind of relationship I only ever used to dream of. His soul sings to mine in a way that I can never truly describe, I just hope you both find that for yourselves when you are older and then I won't need to explain it, because you will understand it for yourselves. It feels effortless and solid and I am eternally grateful we found each other.
So, you see, when you look back, even with the lows, 2018 was a collection of lovely everyday moments, as well as the larger ones...
I came across this quote the other day and I really think it’s true and I plan to remember it often.
“I hope you can see how the everyday sweet little things are the most beautiful”
I am so proud of you both.
Te amo con todo mi corazon.
Love always,
Mummy x
I am so proud of you both.
Te amo con todo mi corazon.
Love always,
Mummy x
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